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Pretend It's Not Me #3
My Life Experience
I'm going to skip the two years of perilous drama between my arrival in San Jose at the end of January 1994, and cut right to what should have been my last day on the planet. By the time October 1995 rolled around I was at rock bottom. I was in the fight of my life and if I ever wanted to make it to the surface again I would have to hold on. It had been such a lonely, dangerous, violent and uncertain time in Costa Rica. I had left so much blood on the streets of that tiny country. There had been so many close calls between the police and the shady characters I was running into at the height of my crack addiction. Making it out alive appeared less likely with each passing day. I was sitting in the livingroom of my house in San Jose when I finally realized I had no way out, I was trapped. No amount of begging, promising or crying was going to make a bit of difference now. I had been on the phone to Canada all day, I had no money and no way to get home. There were only 2 things I wanted, only 2 things I cared about at that point. I had to take care of the outstanding debts I had accumulated to the people down there who had been just so generous, so patient and so kind to me. And I wanted to come home. Nothing else mattered. I was pleading with William's staff of lawyers, representitives and assistants to just take care of those 2 things and I would never bother them again, I'd go away and pretend the relationship we'd had for so many years had never even existed, I would pretend it wasn't me. The response was indignant, humiliating and insulting. There I was, begging these people for their help when just two years earlier they were the one's begging me to leave the country indefinitly, to walk away from my entire life with no direction, no plan, no focus or reason. My world had turned. After so many close calls, so many times when I felt it was really over, that death was my only option, this time it was real. My life had finally caved in on top of me. As I dropped the phone into it's cradle I knew it would be the last time, that by the end of that very day I would be laying on a metal slab somewhere in a morgue in a hospital somewhere in San Jose. I would die just as I had lived. abandoned, alone and useless.
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